Back to the Edits

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Clarity without a source

One never expects a moment of clarity before it comes to you.

Sometimes, it’s after laying in bed all night, tossing and turning.

Sometimes, it’s after watching a beautiful movie about a wonderful writer fall in love with a pig farmer.

I’ll leave the guess up to you, as to which moment is mine.

But it’s dark and all I hear is a cat licking it’s bowl.

And I’d love to clarify in which I mean clarity.

Unfortunately, I can’t make a simple statement.

But more of a nod to the feeling of clarity.

Without a specific source, or root of the clarity.

Just a clear mind,

One that’s always best for writing.

So here in the dark, I’m rambling in written form.

Without much direction or purpose, other than to do so.

And speculating why the voice in my head has a British accent, tho I’m clearly not British.

I suppose it could be thanks to the movie, which had the main character be from

London.

But regardless, this is my night of clarity.

It’s been a bit since I’ve felt this calm, laying in the dark.

The depression seems to have taken a lovely step back.

And I’m surprisingly comfortable and at ease,

Despite my typical anxiety about not being at home on a work night.

Tomorrow, I am sure I’ll be stressing about timing,

Can’t be late to work, more meaning, can’t, not be fifteen minutes minimum early to work.

And as soon as I wake up I’m sure to be counting every minute it will take to get ready and to arrive at the parking lot,

With minimum of ten minutes to spare.

And that’s after I’ve ensured a morning coffee from the gas station.

There’s certainly something nostalgic about a hot bitter cup of gas station coffee.

But it’s warming, and gives a sort of hope to the day.

Reminds me quite a lot of the ride home from long work days.

Almost as perfect as an evening cup,

Drank while typing away at the keyboard, Editing and rambling in moms office.

Overly cluttered and yet, perfectly fitting for a chaotic mind of an aspiring author.

Coffee has somehow become such an important symbol for far too many moments.

But I suppose that’s why it’s coffee.

The thing so many people wake up to, start their day with.

Not the healthiest and yet, so fulfilling to the weakened soul.

I know that sounds a bit much for coffee,

Perhaps a bit too romantic.

And yet, it’s such a truthful way to put it.

And here I am rambling again,

This time a cat has made my legs into her bed.

The purring is something I could fall asleep to any night.

Comforting, and rhythmic.

Nothing like laying on a couch, listening to purrs of a large cat, and the feeling of clarity with an unknown source.

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What would you do if you were chased by a demon of human form? Would you scream and sun? Or stand and watch in terror?

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Long Drive

Every new sign we past shines brighter than last

It’s feels so late, despite only being nearly seven

Half asleep I look over at you,

Your staring ahead, focused but relaxed

Occasionally you mouth along with the words,

Each word delicately forming with that beautiful mouth of yours

I keep looking up from my phone,

Stealing a glance here and there

You haven’t seemed to notice yet,

Though, it’s easy to assume you have and just haven’t pointed it out

Had you, I would have instantly been flushed

But continued watching from behind my phone

My childish game keeps me quite entertained

Far more than I should admit

By now I should be sleeping,

Before long it will be my turn to drive

But I can’t help myself,

The more I look, the longer this feeling lasts,

The perfect combination of curiosity and contentment,

Wanting to know everything you’re thinking,

But fine with sitting in calm silence,

The space is far more comforting,

More secure than I thought possible

I think this truly is what love is

Not something you choke on

Not something you scramble to grasp in desperation

But this, simplicity

Longing to hear words slip out beautiful lips,

The longing to hold the hand carelessly places next to yours

The pure innocence of a smile,

One not even placed with intention,

But naturally forming

This, all of this and so much more

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Quick Sketch

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Even after so many months,

Tears still fall, more painful than before

Passing the same streets and same buildings

The same windows and the same walls

So many times done so by your side

That was the past,  and this is now

Sometimes the feeling returns

But there is no hand to grasp tightly,

No arms to feel around the waist

No shoulder to sleep on

Even so, wishing and praying

For the return of any one comfort

 

 

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I haven’t been posting lately, life has been chaotic.

Works been crazy. Social life is chaos.

Depression in full hyperdrive

Been dealing with an everlasting inner fight, being stuck female on the outside, long hair required for a family wedding, while just wanting to be allowed to be me.

My career is hard to present male in, with so many people still not open to gender,

So I’m temporarily back,

Hoping to make this blog lasting and evolving with me,

Hope everyone is staying themselves and feeling loved ❤️

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False Reflection

False reflection,

“Why do you lie to me so?”

And yet, speak truth to others

“Why not love me too?”

Instead confuse me with every curve

“Why do you mask my identity?”

To keep the others hushed?

“Why are we so different?”

To keep them from feeling ashamed of us?

“Why can’t we show the same person?”

For once can’t both sides match perfectly?

 

 

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Waterfront Photo Bomb

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So Giddy

Today I discovered what it feels like when the first person to ever read your manuscript loves it. 🙂 it’s so far from complete but he still loved it

I’m just grateful to have someone read it in its entirety

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