Fight Test

Here’s another sample from Red Eyes Of a Midnight Dweller. Any comments are appreciated. Thanks!!

When she first walked into the fighting room for one on one combat the man who she would be fighting looked down upon her. Lily knew he was looking at the size of her small, delicate frame.

She grinned at him and spoke first. “I’m a lot stronger than I look.”

He merely nodded, but she could sense of doubt in his nod. He threw the first punch and she slightly dodged his fist, letting it graze her cheek bone. She threw a quick kick, clipping his leg barely. She did this on purpose so that he would think she was only lucky.  He went for a grab around her waist. She grabbed both his wrists and crossed his arms and backed him to the wall. The vampire blood was growing stronger. She knew she’d have to finish soon.

She grinned. “It’s all over big boy. I win”

He looked surprised then swept out her legs. She had been so focused on controlling her vampire side she let him take her down. She was pissed now. Lily rolled over and countered with her own leg swipe. Once he hit the floor she put him in a quick arm bar. He instantly tapped out. The aura from her had scared him. He knew there was something deadly about her. Lily released him and bowed slightly before exiting.

This was the end of her testing. She was tired mentally, but not physically. She was all set to leave when Wolf Vein caught her arm.

“That took longer than expected.” He looked at her smiling.

She grinned, “I took my time and played with him. It was fun” The darkness from the vampire blood loomed over Wolf Vein. He was worried she would lose control. Being a wolf was easy, but her secret was deadly.

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6 Responses to Fight Test

  1. St.Vitus says:

    “He merely nodded, but she could sense of doubt in his nod.”
    This sentence reads a bit awkward, namely “she could sense of.” Too many prepositions can evoke a delicacy of tone that seems ill suited to the content at hand.

    “The aura from her had scared him” seems like another instance of a tendency to voice this fragment a bit passively. Something I’d love to see is editing for directness (reversing some of the passive verbal constructions) in this. You definitely have the ability to narrate more powerfully- more directly.

    I hope this comment doesn’t come off as nit-picky: I really do think a more straight-forward syntax could pair nicely with the action in the scene. I’m certain any other editor would tell you this.

    Thank you for sharing. It is a brave thing to do.

    • Thanks! I’m glad to get an honest opinion. It’s hard to get people to read it and give suggestions. The editing part is the hardest stage. Finding a publishing that will accept it has proven hard and I have looked at self publishing eBooks with kindle. So thanks again for the suggestions.

      • St.Vitus says:

        Yes, exactly! Getting in front of an editor is nearly impossible these days. Even “publishers” simply don’t want to spend even a dime developing a manuscript- they want a polished work from an author they won’t have to spend any money promoting that they can sell right off the bat. It’s a crazy world.

        I’ve had to go the route of getting a great many small pieces published in journals around the country. I started local, got small credits under my belt, then got in some national journals. Finally I’m at the point where I can at least get my foot in the door, but it’s taken 7 years of constant rejection.

        If I could give you any sensible advice, it would be to take the long-haul road: write a few short-but-sweet stories and excerpts and have them published in journals here and there. The only thing that matters these days is “publishing credits.” Once you have even a few small publishing credits, so many doors open up. Before you know it, you’ll be getting quarterly invites to submit manuscripts.

        Good luck out there!

      • Thanks. One offered me a contract but they were a subsidiary and it would cost me 7400 out of pocket. I couldn’t afford it. So thank you for the advice.

  2. St.Vitus says:

    $7,400? And they’re the publisher? That is a bad deal, no question about that. You could self-publish for a lot cheaper than that.

    • Free on kindle if you don’t get any services. they knocked it down to 6400 when I said I wouldn’t financially accept their offer. It’s been a few months and they contacted me again offering to take off 10%.

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