I just sent to my cousin a text. To my surprise, she responded. Growing up we were like sisters, the minute we saw each other we were off, doing our own thing. Saying goodbye was a dreaded part of Holidays. But the promise of sleep overs and shopping expeditions never grew old.
But she, being the elder cousin graduated a year ahead of me and went off to collage, leaving me behind to try and figure the adult world out on my own. I missed my cousin horribly. Soon after she started collage, experiencing the adult world while I was still in high school, making plans for my future career in hairdressing and marrying my high school boyfriend( which inevitably would never happen since graduating and never seeing each other proved to be traumatic to a rocky relationship).
My big sister was no where to be found when my world came crashing down. She wasn’t there to tell me to make smart decisions when I decided to rebound multiple times (making me feel worse and even a little guilty).
Even now, a year after graduating, starting my future, I still need her. I need my big sister to confide in, to tell me it’s okay, that I’ll be alright. Hell, I need her to tell me I’m acting ignorant and just being a dumb ass. I need her to be there and top tell me it’s okay that I’m falling in love, and that it won’t hurt as bad as I think it will when reality comes down on me and I face the fact it will never be. But, I feel she’s not there.
She stuck around for a few texts before saying goodnight. This was the first text in months. Even longer than the last phone call that didn’t consist of her saying she’s busy and that she’ll call me later, but then never does.
I can’t help but wonder, is it me? Have I changed that much? I know I’m trying to grow up, trying to be an adult, find my own way. Falling down and mis-stepping all the way, but have I somehow betrayed our childhood bond. I know I’ve probably been selfish, mainly when hung up on said high school boyfriend. There was a time that I know I was so hung up on him and so self engaged about him promising forever and me being so in love I had the world’s worst tunnel vision. Maybe I didn’t ask her about her life enough. Maybe I didn’t pay attention to her problems and her excitement enough.
I sent her the link to my blog, now realizing that may have made it seem like that was the only reason for texting her. Now I’m regretting that particular text, But I can’t change it now. She said she’d look later, that she was going to bed. SO if she reads this, though I doubt she will, Cuz Cuz- I miss my big, crazy, excitable sister. ❤