Why should I care?

I know I struggle with self hate, not diagnosed depression. I know that I make decisions that are self destructive. But I don’t care. Why would I? Isn’t acknowledging it enough? Why do I have to put effort into hanging something that is so comfortable. Life’s a bitch. That’s how it is. Change ain’t easy, it would be simpler to just sleep forever, stop breathing and let black fill my eyes. But nope, can’t use that for an argument. That just proves your theory- I am depressed and I need help- I need you. Fuck that. You tell me all the things wrong with me. How the hell does that fix shit. I’m not broken, I’m not taking a dive bomb into the ground. I am just taking a side trip, trying to figure shit out, learning about myself. Stop dragging me back to past errors, past mistakes, because they weren’t mistakes. They were what made me, me. I wouldn’t trade those days for a year more with you. How an I regret those days, my old love was a mistake? How can you say that? How can three years of my life be a mistake? I don’t buy that. You are wrong! Dammit so wrong! Stop telling me what’s wrong with me. Stop telling me I’m a mess. I like the way I am. At least I am honest. Why the hell would I want to constantly be trying to change? Consonantly feeling like I am walking on egg shells? Yes I have things in my life that could be a little smoother, a little clearer. Well I am working on it when I have the time. But I have more important things to focus on. Things that are making me happy in the moment, who the hell cares if it makes me happy years down the road? I could die tomorrow, drive into a light post and smash me skull into the steering wheel, I could just decide to never eat again and slowly kill myself from the inside out. Fuck, I could even just out my window right now- that probably wouldn’t do anything- its only five feet off the ground. But I could. I could even finally sell my book, become rich and never have to worry about what you think again. The future may or may not be there, may or may not be good an happy. So why should I worry? Why should I change? I am happy in the moment of what you all my mistakes. That’s good enough for me, why an’t it be good enough for you?

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