I just need to take the time to write some things out, if ayone reads this then great, if not that’s okay too.
Anxiety, its been a thing that I’ve never really struggled with, maybe some depression and lack of self worth. I admit, its getting worse I think. I know I’ve been getting anxious and paranoid more, over dumb things, little things. The worsted part is that I can feel it, getting worse, everyday. Like today, leaving work. I know I put the change in the bag for close, I remember doing tm and yet after turning the bag in, it was like a fear washing over, paranoia again. I know exactly what happened, so it should be fine, I know this sounds so dumb, and stupid. I get like this everyday now, over things know aren’t like that. Just a few days ago my coworker asked me where my client w’s, I told her a cashed her out, she said oh wow theta was fast. I knew I cashed her out, is that simple. And yet, I suddenly felt anxious like something was wrong, that’s all I could think bout. Dumb right?
Ive been vocal to my friends about it, when I get like that. But it makes it worse, they make it worse. They either eg-it on, encourage it for laughs, of tell me I’m dumb and laugh at me, all I want o do is sleep, so I can keep it away, to stop it, and make me feel better, sleep and sleep some more, keep it down, and keep it sudden.
Everyone keeps telling me ive changed, im not my goofy self, its true, I don’t feel like me,, they blame my boyfriend, tell me he’s no good, that they’re over my relationship, get rid f him. im too young to be this way, so depresses I mean yes we’ve had some, complications, but we.re getting past that, so its okay, I care about him, and when im with him, its the only time ī feel like i’m not forcing laughs. im not or smiles. Im just not so numb, but lately even with him it hits me, depression, that wont go away, uncontrollable tears, and Its not his fault, sometimes I just get rude, mean, in the back of my head i can hear the voice saying don’t say that, don’t so act like that. but I cant Stop it. the outer shell I have become, wont listen,
Its the anxiety and paranoia all over again, hiding what’s really happening in my head. I can reasonably think this over, break down the situation, and yet that doesn’t top it, I want it to, but it wont, and I cant end it, so I sleep, I shut down, try and show no emotion, and now, I cant even when I want to, ill be sitting there, my friends, my coworkers, everyone else being so happy, goofing off, laughing, I know its fine, I know they’re happy, that I should be too. but that wont come through, I remember that feeling, but its gone now, no, its fogged over, like a frost wall, blurring the emotions, throwing them eschew, in every direction other this the one want them to be in.
I can feel my old self, still there, but its not there, not at the Surface, its pushed aside, by this bitter numb person,I dnt know why I’m getting like this, ive been here before, but this time, its worse and its rapidly getting more powerful. I want to tell someone, anyone, I try telling my boyfriend, but I dint want to make him worry, that’s not his problem so he shouldnt worry, my friends are tired of my being so negative, and I don’t know how to be open with my parents like this, so im telling you WordPress, so please do not judge me like I fear everyone else will.