Today was one filled with moments that made me realize some things. No, maybe admit them, who cares. Not everything has to have some great meaning of hidden message. And this isn’t going to be some great, amazing life altering revelation. But I twill take some time,  I have so much to say, that I can’t bring myself to, so I choose to write it. And I am starting now.

Tonight, I just got home from my friends, in fact, he’s my former boyfriend, ex seems so harsh, so strict. But whatever. We were having a deeper conversation, not exactly sure if t was intellectual or not. I’m not going to share any specifics, that wouldn’t be fair to him. He deserves his privacy. But I will say that we both have our faults and things to work n. Mine being self confidence, assertiveness, and just knowing what the  hell I’m doing in life. So original, I know. But its the truth.  I know that every relationship should impact you one way or another, that there should be more gained than lost. I never believed that until now, not that exact moment, but more like over the course  of a few months.

I’m just looking at what I have written so far, and realize I have lost that state of mind, that serene realization of everything being okay. I’m not even sure what conversation this was, we have had so many and its been over two months since we broke up. I have a new boyfriend, hes got a new girl. It seems like things are okay now, but the fact is, i still miss him. Its weird. I’m happy with the guy I’m with, but its a different kind of happy, like I could leave him tomorrow or he could leave me and yes I would be sad, but I would get over it. I was so in love with my ex, determined to be with him through everything, I just don’t know anymore.

The ex, my best friend is what I call him these days- I’m not sure if its the right word, but ex still seems too much. I haven’t pushed him out of my life fully but i have let our space grow, and I don’t know how to feel about it.

He says its okay that I’m sad hes moving on, even though I did first. In fact I’ve had two other dates other than my new guy. And he even points out im not over him and says thats okay too, that feelings don’t just go away. But he never mentions his. He says he sometimes thinks about it but knows that there’s too many differences between us for us to work now. Despite the word now it feels like he means ever more and more. And thats just making me numb.

Ill take a break from this but will continue later.

Im back now, after two weeks of not touching this. that new guy, hes gone too, one day I just decided I wasn’t that into him. he was nice, but it wasn’t the same I guess. I couldn’t see myself settling down, with him I mean.

And in the mess of things, a guy that I thought I’d forgotten is back in my life. the one so many of my poems were for, the one that never could be mine, even tho I loved him more than anything, the one that built me up and made me want to live, I mean really live. That’s different now too. He doesn’t trust me completely, despite letting me back in, slightly. I don’t know bout any of this anymore. The past is dead, and yet, tonight when I saw a shooting star, It was his name that crossed my mind, It made me sad, but then i realized it was okay. Things happen for a reason, right? That’s what they tell me anyways. I don’t believe in fate, or anything like that. What I believe, I don’t know much- but that’s okay too right? I have time to figure it out, and if not, maybe it will make a great, new piece of art, or beautiful new sentences, or fascinating stories. After all, that’s all we end up being, stories that may or may not be told, memories that fade.

So, clearly I didn’t know how this would end when I started it, there hasn’t been some magical revelation. Just another rant, emotional confusing post from me- WritingForDesire. And how this ends is me saying this – I really need to stop planning everything down to each significantly insignificant moment, and pushing meaning and attachment where it doesn’t belong.

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