I haven’t written anything reflecting my person life lately, nothing to reflect the relationship between me and my family. I think I may be overdue.
I don’t take pride in bashing my family on the internet. Not that they read my blog as a means to find out, they don’t care that much about me. (Sorry bout the angsty writing.)
I have to say that things were stating to get better amongst us. I was home more and went back to accepting that I had most the responsibility. (Meaning that I swallowed my pride after removing all my personal items from the common living areas in my home- make that house, This isn’t a home, a place of comfort.
My mother was only getting more stressed. Her full time jpob, being incharge of the financials of my fathers company and then nthe household. So I started to do everyones laundy again and all the dishes that I do not use. I am never home for meals and use maybe 3 plates a week , 4 coffee cups and 5 regular cups a week on average. But when I come home after spending the night with my boyfriend and two days of work both sinks are full, and the shelf covered. Most the things have yet t obe soaked. How is this my fault? And even after catching up on them, the next day it will be full again. How the hell do they manage that? Yes there’s five of them, (my brothers girlfriend is living with us full time now and I cant even have a guy near my room. WTF). My father and brothers still have the nerve to tell my that I do nothing at home and work the least hardest. Well that’s not fair.
I think I may just be giving up. If I go on strike, mom sufferes (though she doesn’t do anything to make me feel less useless in defense of the men in this house) and no matter what I do, its never enough. I cannot win here.
This morning for example, I was up at 7:30. I have to work at three and wont be home until at least 9:45. I like my sleep, sorry people. We have different schedules’. That doesn’t mean shit or that I am lazy. I was going to get up, but my father started yelling at me. I want to avoid him so I stayed in bed til 8:30 when he and my brothers finally left. I spent the morning hiding from the bullying I endure around them, listening to them calling me worthless and lazy. Saying I clearly wont do nothing to help. That’s funny. Ive done two loads of dishes, cleaning the kitchen, done two loads of laundry. Started to the living room. Hmmmm, does that make me lazy?
I don’t like coming home. There are aggressive and rude and only make me feel like a failure. They tell me all the time that I am going to be nothing but a s single mother with no future. If I mention moving out, going on my own they tell me I cant because I won’t survive. What the hell am I surviving? I zombie apocalypse? I’m not stupid, I understand bills aren’t cheap and rent is the equivalent of a mortgage and I need a new car badly.
Moving out would be a good way to prove I cant take care of myself and I am not worthless. My boyfriend mentions me living with him, but that’s a ways off, I love him but it hasn’t been long enough. I keep telling myself just a little longer until I can afford my own place. But I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with this. I constantly feel like I am failing. Outside of home I feel so motivated, like I can have whatever future I want, But as soon as I am home, I feel overwhelmed and lose all drive.
But I think that’s all I need to put out there for now. Who knows, maybe ill luck out and get hit by a bus? Sigh, that was a bad joke. Sorry everyone