Not Sure What To Call This, Sorry

Any one reading this could get more truth than they had,

Or less than they thought

I, myself am not even sure what this is

Maybe it’ll be a huge confession

Or make less sense than before

After trying, and failing at two bad poems,

I give up

After failing tonight at pretending to be the happy, go lucky me,

The face I put on for friends, and work

The one so giddy over silly little things

Unicorns and Rainbows,

Candy and anime

Yeah, I love that stuff,

Its true

Undeniable interests and favorites

And always keeping up with the perverse persona

Nah, I don’t care most the time about peoples bodies

It’s a fun character to play

Don’t get me wrong,

I love the people in my life

But lets face it,

Someone with my lacking of life experience

Can’t be that genuinely confident

My ego people see,

Nah that is just over compensation

Which, I am sure, many have noticed

All my dates, or whatever they are,

A great time killer,

Keep me busy, so that I dont have to face reality

I am nothing, but a depressed person

Still in love with the person who hurt me more than I thought someone could

I can’t let go, and I cry almost every night,

Its been months, and yet here I am,

Filling every void left of that time of my life

I like to think I’ve convinced at least one person I am over him

Since I can’t convince myself

Seeing him kicks in instant anxiety

How pathetic is that?

I should be stronger than that,

He should be nothing to me after everything

But nope.

I wish everyday he would come back and do everything he promised

But he wont, he has no need to

Cause we both know I am not worth it

I am sure my friends would disagree

But I don’t believe it so it makes no difference

And if anyone reads this,

I am sorry if they are hurt by it

But I am purging what ever I am feeling in the moment

I dont know if it will help or make it worse

This may amount to nothing but hurt feelings

But I admit, I feel slightly better

Or at least more numb

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference

But that’s not the worse thing right?

Fake it til you make it?

I have done that for so long

I am not sure its amounted to a damn thing

Maybe more anxiety and depression

And accidental happy things

And at the end of the day, I should be glad to have a single friend

My family at work loves me and so does my nerd family

But that isn’t always enough to stop the storm in this damn brain

It still wins most nights,

So I stop responding to people

And head to bed

To sleep the feelings off til morning when I have new energy to fake some more

And keep the endless cycle going

That’s what life is these days. no weeks, maybe months?

Its hard to remember when it wasn’t this way.

Finding new things to distract and interest me for short spurts of time

Eventually growing tired

And shutting down with meltdowns and nights of crying

So again, I dont know what this was supposed to be

Maybe be honest with myself

Or others?

Or just rant to feel heard

I doubt even I will understand

Goodnight people

If anyone reads this,

If not, Goodnight to me

 

 

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