Not Sure What To Call This, Sorry

Any one reading this could get more truth than they had,

Or less than they thought

I, myself am not even sure what this is

Maybe it’ll be a huge confession

Or make less sense than before

After trying, and failing at two bad poems,

I give up

After failing tonight at pretending to be the happy, go lucky me,

The face I put on for friends, and work

The one so giddy over silly little things

Unicorns and Rainbows,

Candy and anime

Yeah, I love that stuff,

Its true

Undeniable interests and favorites

And always keeping up with the perverse persona

Nah, I don’t care most the time about peoples bodies

It’s a fun character to play

Don’t get me wrong,

I love the people in my life

But lets face it,

Someone with my lacking of life experience

Can’t be that genuinely confident

My ego people see,

Nah that is just over compensation

Which, I am sure, many have noticed

All my dates, or whatever they are,

A great time killer,

Keep me busy, so that I dont have to face reality

I am nothing, but a depressed person

Still in love with the person who hurt me more than I thought someone could

I can’t let go, and I cry almost every night,

Its been months, and yet here I am,

Filling every void left of that time of my life

I like to think I’ve convinced at least one person I am over him

Since I can’t convince myself

Seeing him kicks in instant anxiety

How pathetic is that?

I should be stronger than that,

He should be nothing to me after everything

But nope.

I wish everyday he would come back and do everything he promised

But he wont, he has no need to

Cause we both know I am not worth it

I am sure my friends would disagree

But I don’t believe it so it makes no difference

And if anyone reads this,

I am sorry if they are hurt by it

But I am purging what ever I am feeling in the moment

I dont know if it will help or make it worse

This may amount to nothing but hurt feelings

But I admit, I feel slightly better

Or at least more numb

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference

But that’s not the worse thing right?

Fake it til you make it?

I have done that for so long

I am not sure its amounted to a damn thing

Maybe more anxiety and depression

And accidental happy things

And at the end of the day, I should be glad to have a single friend

My family at work loves me and so does my nerd family

But that isn’t always enough to stop the storm in this damn brain

It still wins most nights,

So I stop responding to people

And head to bed

To sleep the feelings off til morning when I have new energy to fake some more

And keep the endless cycle going

That’s what life is these days. no weeks, maybe months?

Its hard to remember when it wasn’t this way.

Finding new things to distract and interest me for short spurts of time

Eventually growing tired

And shutting down with meltdowns and nights of crying

So again, I dont know what this was supposed to be

Maybe be honest with myself

Or others?

Or just rant to feel heard

I doubt even I will understand

Goodnight people

If anyone reads this,

If not, Goodnight to me



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First Round Down

Just thought I’d share my latest accomplishment. Finished editing the full first draft of my manuscript. Time to give it back to my editor 🙂 super proud

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New World

Every month is passing by

Without much direction, regardless of up or down

All the plans for the past year have gone away

And I dont know that I can recall any of them

Then the latest grip of something crumbled away too

Being around the same people feels so foreign

But just familiar enough to blend in and fade to the shadows

Creep into the memories of who I was, and what I wish I still was

Keep going forward is what has been engraved in me from the start

But now that even that washed away

Old familiarity seems to hold no warmth or stability

NO path seems like the right one, but not wrong either

Staring at the darkness around me,

Makes no difference in this mind of mine

Nor does it bring certain isolation

Gripping those old feelings grow tiring’

But in some ways are all I have left

For now I’ll fall asleep in this new world of mine



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Suggestions from my Editor

This is what I have for it


“I’m just telling the truth. You need to talk to someone outside the band.”

“That’s none of your concern Tool.”

Marietta looked at both of them and laughed uncomfortably.

Stepping toward her Tool continued his teasing “See, I don’t think she minds my suggestion. Won’t you come to one of our practices? You wouldn’t be the only girl. We have a few others that come and watch” Tool grinned at her.

Lucefer put his arm in freont of ATool, keeping him from steppibng any closer to Marietta. “I dont think she would have in interest in going. She would stand out from the group.”

“Lucifer proabbly has a point.” She hesitated with her smile, almost like she was disappointed.”Besides, I don’t think I own enough black for you guys.” Her eyes landed on his black torn extra tight jeans, which showed how skinny he was.

Tool laughed at her, flipping his long fire red hair out of his face so that only his right eye was covered. “You don’t have to dress our style to fit in with us. I just thought with how you have attached yourself to Lucifer after just meeting him two days ago that maybe you liked him.”

Marietta’s face turned bright red and Lucifer stepped in. “Tool that’s enough. I doubt she’d want to be seen in public with either of us.” He knew Tool’s point wasn’t about both of them but he did not want to acknowledge the suggestion. “Besides, your the ladies man remember.”

“Yes, that’s true.” Tool counters with his own turning of topic. “She hasn’t seem to noticed how attractive I am.”

“ Well Tool, you  would be handsome, but the metal in your lip isn’t very attractive. Thank goodness Lucifer doesn’t have one or he would have no chance either.”

Both the guys stared at her. Lucifer smiled, more than happy to hear she can handle Tool says to her. “That should teach you to not cross boundaries, now shouldn’t it Tool?”

“Oh, bite me Lucifer.”  Tool shoved him in the shoulder

The guys were still arguing back and forth. Lucifer noticed that Marietta had  burst out laughing as he had a hold of Tool wrists keeping him from jabbing at him more.

Lucifer turned, the annoyed look on his face was grim. “What are you laughing about?”

“Oh nothing. You two are just funny to watch.”

Lucifer let his eyes fall on her. “Is that so? Is that what you’re thinking about?”

“No.” She smiled at him more eagerly and Lucifer noticed an extra shine in her eyes. “I was just thinking that maybe staying here won’t be so bad after all.”

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Shattered Photos 

Listening to even my favorite songs sting
So I sit in my old desk chair,

Starring at words crossing the screen 

They’re there but aren’t what I see

Our first meeting, 

That smile I fell in love with

It’s still smiling at me,

Tho now it’s grown cold 

And the old pictures I hide from 

Still belong to our past

But I can’t tear them from who I am now,

Sitting it a darkening place without you

Wishing to banish all the memories

While still grasping them with desperate hands 

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Post Mortem Hello

You still ask me how I’m doing

As if you still care 

And all the feelings are still brewing 

Below the surface heating 

Ready to break the seal

Just in time for you to send that greeting 

As if I forgot you already

And have so easily moved on

But I’m barely standing steady
I store of how much more I can take

How much more I can brace against 

So I’ll keep smiling, keep being fake
Until I’m alone in my room 

No one to see how much it still hurts

Until these feeling are ready for their tomb

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Good Bye Future Plans 

Driving away so far has been the hardest partAnd as each light flashes by I feel my heart

It’s slowed down from my last glimpse at you

And I never thought us ending would ever come true

It’s funny how we think things last forever 

And what we want always becomes a never 

Now I’m out the door and going my own way 

Leaving you in the bed we used to play

Still wishing to go back in time to our start 

Taking steps backwards to and keep us from tearing apart

But as i pull into a new driveway

There’s no way I can stay

And that’s what’s breaking my heart the most. 

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